i wonder if i'll end up like hatsumi. all tat courage n determination to cut off all worldly desires and attachments just with one slit. but i'm a coward. a weakling. afraid to lose wat i've fought so hard for. attention. love. respect. envy. not tat i've really had any now.

i hate the way i turn out. so afraid to let go of this, of that.

often i want to let my steam out, but cos of various reasons n circumstances, i am still bottled up. up to the brim where i can break anytime. i wonder if i hv mental problems. maybe tat's y i'm always easily tired, all that synapses tat occur.

warmth n comfort i found. warmth n comfort gone.

miserable bliss.

everything is goin wrong. sch, life, me.

what do i live for? for whom i exist?
if i exist for me, i've not been doin a good job. fallin so deep into the pit of self-illusion.
the world will still revolve when i'm gone. i am insignificant. and all that sacrifices. i am losing me. with each north wind, a little of me gets blown away, into dust. scattered over nothingness.
what am i now?

emptiness. i wish u can rescue me. sputnik spunned @10:19 PM